It doesn't rain much where I live, but on one particular day over a year ago, it had rained hard all night and was still drizzling in the morning. As Murphy's Law demands, I had had my carpooling, road tripping, overused, 7-seater finally washed...just before it rained. I don't get my car washed very often and I LOVE my car when it's clean. It is also important to this story to know that my teenager likes to put his shoes on in the car rather than in the house before walking to the car (can you see where I'm heading...). On this particular rainy morning, my son walked through the puddles and residual stormy muck to the car holding his shoes in his hands so he could put them on in the car. Once loaded up, he didn't like the wetness and grime on the bottom of his feet, so he wiped them on my clean dashboard. FULL STOP!I lost it. I blew my top with some high volume content! My stunned teen simply paused, looked at me, and said, "Mom, it's just dirt."
As a parent, I have asked for many parenting do-overs. I see reacting as very different from responding. Reacting is often impulsive and lacks the extra few beats of time required to think things through. Responding is more thoughtful and less emotionally charged. When I behave in a way that is impulsive, reactionary, and emotional rather than thoughtfully responsive, I long to be able to do it over. But let’s face it; there will always be moments of reaction even if we wish we could only be thoughtfully responsive. We’re human and parenting is hard!
I recently read a wonderful blog post by Janet Landsbury entitled, "Parent Do-Overs – 7 Confidence Building Responses." When I first read the title, I thought it would be about something different; how to do parenting do-overs rather than how to do it better the first time around. The seven responses she shares are really good, just not what had me opening the blog. But the idea got my blog-writer going, so rather than wish her blog had been about the topic I wanted to read, I thought I'd write it myself.
Many years ago, when my kids were much younger than they are now, I began a new “do-over” practice in my parenting. After a reaction that was less than thoughtfully handled, I would usually come to a point a few seconds, minutes, hours, or even days later and think to myself, “whoops, I wish I had handled that differently.” That thought is my signal to head back into the situation with my child and do it over. My next step is to talk about what happened and how I reacted. I like to separate my reaction from the content of my message. Usually, the need to correct the behavior is on point, but my reaction can be an overreaction. I’m a fiery woman and when I’m stressed or deeply concerned, my reaction can be bigger than I intend. My opening lines are usually something like, “I would like to talk about what just happened and how I reacted.” Sometimes, I will even say, “I’d like a do-over to try and respond better this time.”
In the instance of the clean car/dirty feet, my kid's statement brought my overreaction to my awareness rather quickly, in part because he didn't meet my overreaction with a defensive attitude. Instead, he just brought to my attention how disproportional my reaction was to the offense. It's rare that this awareness happens as quickly at it did this time. And still, I had to take a few deep breaths in the moment to be able to move from reaction to response. I clearly needed a do-over.
First, I apologized for my overreaction and owned that it was too big for the severity of the transgression. Then, I addressed the content. This takes a few extra steps. 1) Speak about the action and how I felt about it. 2) Discuss what I needed him to do instead. 3) Share what about the behavior was unacceptable.
Often our reactions come off as personal attacks rather than about the behavior itself. Do-overs work best when we address the behavior, as well as our feelings and needs. I find separating my reaction from the offensive action of my kids works better to educate and correct behavior while helping to leave the personal relationship intact.
It is my belief that overtly stating the need for a do-over with our children helps teach them many things about being human. I hope that my kids have learned and continue to learn that we all make mistakes. And, that owning our mistakes with humility is important. We will try to do better next time and we can even try again this time. Making mistakes is normal and catching ourselves as quickly as possible, owning the mistake, and trying to do better are vital lessons for growth and learning.
When children are really young, we can ask for do-overs with our partners or friends. We can say things like, “I just handled a situation with my child in a way that doesn’t feel right. Can I try a do-over with you, so I see how that might feel different for next time?” Do-overs are a wonderful way to learn and grow as parents and as people. I ask for do-overs with my husband too! Now that my kids are teenagers, do-overs are a normal part of our conversations. They help us separate reactions (mine and theirs) from the content of the needed dialogue.
Here’s to doing our best and owning our missteps too. How do “do-overs” work in your family?
